The main character lacks background story, and his motivation to "take revenge" and "live" is meaningless. Words "wrath" and "vengeance" make no sense. WHAT is he taking revenge FOR? Who has ever done any harm to him to make him so bitter with life, angry and want to gain freedom?
You've missed a very important part where the boy makes a pact with the demon. You need to write it in end, but in much more detail, as a flashback, starting with words "I remember now.." or similar to those, once the main hero is sent into darkness.
The description of darkness, when the character is engulfed by demon, is too short and does not add to the atmosphere of the piece and does not describe well enough the feelings of the hero when he's captured. You need to use imagination on this one, and not just throw words like I do shadows and highlights on a 2D picture.
Need to describe the meaning of "living hell" in Part 2 of this somehow. i.e. what happened after that. Or at least describe it in this part but briefly.
I've spotted 5-6 terrible mistakes, fix them, and you misspell "supposed" with "suppose" everywhere.
Overall, the piece is very great, ESPECIALLY in the bathroom part/searching for pills/returning from work part, before and after that it feels rushed and really lacking. But the tension and atmosphere in the part that I mentioned is SPLENDID! I LUV U True horror right here. But you need to work more on how you describe stuff that happens.
I love art, make comics, anime of course, love zelda and video games, love anything with technology. Not a freak though. I wish to make animations someday. I love the color blue, green, and yellow. I love tacos and i am very fast. Any Questions? [(+_=)]
Age 26, Male
wat
what do you think?????
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Comments
Holy crap your right xD This is the best feedback I had gotten since The Cattunko Brothers! Your really good at it, and you have many points on this.
I will add the words, " I remember now" towards the end of the story, or when the boy reunited with the demon. One of them. I would also fix on how the character actually feels about the whole, being taken over by a demon shit. And, I will fix the words, vengeance, and wrath. I will bring up some other words that make sense to what feelings he expresses.
I will fix the misspelled words, suppose. I will also find the mistakes in here.
And I'm thinking i'm just about ready to write The Cattunko Brothers part 3. This story is just a warm up to see if I can pull horror off in my next part in The Cattunko Brothers.
Again, thanks for the feedback!
"He looked a a young teen," one mess up, story still good
Didn't notice that when I was finished with the story, or when I was scanning it a couple of times. Thanks for noticing!
@imaTouko-chan
It should be longer. You thought it was long because you got bored by:
1) A LOT of "enjoy my freedom" repetition and other phrases repeated over and over
2) "abnormal behavior" sounds more like a judicial term. Not to be used in literature :/
3) "madness", "freedom", "insanity", "enjoy" repetition WAY too many times, those words even lose their sense to me. The word "madness" is almost in every sentence.
4) There are many places when you stop describing actual stuff that happens and delve into philosophy: "But, I needed power and freedom, and I had never been so alive", "I am here to complete the insanity by giving you the freedom you lost", "and I am close to gain my freedom again", "But, he gave me freedom, and the madness I need to make me feel...so alive" AND IT REPEATS OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND IT MAKES NO SENSE and it's not interesting...
kkots, I thought you liked the story man! I'm still practicing with my writing skills, so don't blame me if I repeat a lot of terms and sentences, and also dragging my story away from the sense. And, your right :/
imaTouko-chan, you can say what's wrong with the story, and kkots does have a point. You probably got bored while reading the story. It's fine if you admit it.
try a minecraft death rude,you will die and los all your stuff(NOOBS)
I will. Just wait until my brain gets blown up xD
SexyFurryGal
Creepy as hell man! =)
3DPitDudez
Yep, but it can be creepier if I want it to be. But, this is fine right here!