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3DPitDudez
I love art, make comics, anime of course, love zelda and video games, love anything with technology. Not a freak though. I wish to make animations someday. I love the color blue, green, and yellow. I love tacos and i am very fast. Any Questions? [(+_=)]

Age 25, Male

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The Death Ride

Posted by 3DPitDudez - July 8th, 2013


I'm back from the grave, and the days at my grandparent's house was just fine. I swam in the pool, went to a fest, and watch fireworks from a boat on the lake. Sweet. But, now that I'm back, I want to take a break from the Cattunko brothers, just because I need brainstorming. I am bringing another story up and hopefully, I would a lot more feedback compared to the Cattunko brothers. I have no idea why I don't have a lot, but I won't complain. You peeps might be into short stories I guess, and I don't blame ya. My fingers won't be sore after this story, and I will be able to play games happily on here.

Now, I am grateful for kkots for the feedbacks, and with that, my writing would approve a lot. Still practicing, and I will get better, just wait.
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Say hello to, The Death Ride! Meaning, a ride to death.
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11:00, three hours left until death.

I woke up after a long nights sleep, and I grabbed my pills from the dresser next to my bed. I took them slowly, and washed them down with some water from my water bottle.
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The pills I take helps me control my sanity, and avoids me from having those insane minds. And I have to take them three times a day. Ever since I was young, my parents would worry me about how my behavior. I would always draw on the walls of my house, and the drawings bare blood and people with guts hanging out, wrapped around them. I would also act strangely near other people, and I imagine myself cutting them and laughing evilly until they touch the quiet earth. With all this, I had no friends and my parents lock me in my room whenever I act out of the ordinary. My parents were close of getting rid of me when I was 7, but then medications were the only solution to keep me alive and tucked under my parent's wings.

The possible reason for my insane mind to be active are my nightmares whenever I rest. I am always killing and tearing souls apart, making me attached to death and murder. All this makes me happy for some reason, and with the nightmares, they help give me the mad freedom I need after being the well behaved, obedient child for the quiet years. Now with the medication, all the freedom was gone. The nightmares vanished, and with the medication, I am the well behaved obedient child I was supposed to be, and the freedom has left me for 10 years.
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I went downstairs after I got dressed, and saw a note on the coat rack in the living room. After reading it, I found out that my mother took my car to go to my aunt's house for one of her business meet-ups. I don't know why she would take my car instead of her own, but something came to my mind after wondering. Her car's motor was missing, probably stolen, and she has been traveling places with my car ever since that happened. And she doesn't have the money to replace the motor at this moment. I think the incident was 2 days ago, but I can't complain that she took my car to somewhere important. I didn't like my car much anyway, so I'm thinking I could just give it to her. Taking the bus and bike to places won't bother me at all.

12:20, two hours and forty minutes until death

I did my reports on the weather, since reporting weather is my job, and I decided to go ahead and have lunch while doing the reports. It was also time for me to take my medication again. My medication times were 9: 30, 12:30, and 7:30. But since I woke up rather late, I should go ahead and stick to the routine.

I walked up the stairs, and saw my brown cat on the top. I stroked it's back and it started to growl. It ran up to the bathroom and hissed at the door, which was closed. I ignored the cat, because it might have heard a mouse or something behind the door, but the noises the cat made has left me concerned. I walked up to the door and slowly turned the knob. I heard breathing from behind the door, and the reason I could be hearing this is because I didn't take my medication yet. This happens a lot when I don't take medications on time. I would hear and see things, such as bloody figures and weak breathing. It reminds me of my childhood, when I had the insane mind. I would hear and see things from my nightmares, and it would allow me to feel accompanied, feeling like i'm not alone.

But with the cat acting up, I don't think i'm just listening to things. There might be something behind the door. I opened the door, and I quickly turned the lights on. All I saw was my plain old bathroom, and I breathed in relief. I might have might have been a bit crazy, and my mind is saying I should take my medications right now. I went into my bedroom to retrieve my pill, but the container holding the pills were gone. I checked all over the dresser in case I might have dropped it or misplaced it somewhere. Then, I looked all over my room with no luck at all. I have no idea where my container might be, and I don't know if I miss one medication for the day. Would I become my insane self?

I got rid of the thoughts and I started to check all over the house for the container. Still, no hope.

1:00, one hour until death.

For forty minutes, there was still no sign of those pills. I started to become dizzy and I couldn't keep myself together, and I started to hear screaming and saw many bloody figures wherever I go. I started to feel strange from the inside, like the insanity is building up, trying to rip my sanity apart. I tried to keep my sanity alive, and I can't let the insanity kill it. I thought about the freedom I once had, but disappeared ever since I got the medications. I want it again, but I must hold my sanity until the madness controls me.

What am I thinking? If I am my insane self again, my life would come to a stop, and I won't watch suffering around me again. But, the madness will still live in me.

I laid on the floor of my bedroom, trying to ignore the side of the evil, that will control me again.

1:30, a half an hour until death.

" Wake up..." A voice called to me, and my eyes flew open. I sat up and saw a young boy in front of me. He looked a young teen, with brown hair, and blood colored eyes. He was wearing a ripped up red hoodie with black jeans. the boy who stood in front of me, he was the one who started the madness.

He guided me to all madness, in the nightmares. He allowed me to have the freedom I once had, but, whenever I showed the wrong actions of the freedom, such as showing kindness and happiness, he would tear the actions away from me and cover my mind with more evil, so that I show anger, madness, and the abnormal behavior. I never knew what he wanted from me, and I never knew what he wanted from me. But, he gave me freedom, and the madness I need to make me feel...so alive.

" Your awake, my friend. I see you stopped allowing the sanity to make you into the being you are not supposed to be. I am here to complete the insanity by giving you the freedom you lost...and soon, you will be yourself again." The boy walked closer to me and touched my forehead with the cold bloody hands that used to be wrapped around my back when I was younger, accepting his comfort of madness. My mind started to be filled with madness again, and I am close to gain my freedom again. The boy pulled his hands away and giggled, " Are you ready now, Baonli?" I felt like myself again. The madness returned to me, and i'm alive again. Ready to kill and watch the suffering. Nothing will hold me back. " Yes..." The boy held up the container of my pills and crushed it with his hand. " And...thank you for waiting for the madness to build inside you. I knew one simple obstacle would hold you back from retrieving the sanity."

1:55, 5 minutes until death.

I sat across from mother and father. The bodies on the garage floor. The blood under them. The knives in them. They just came home from their activities, being welcomed home by the knives struck into their soft flesh. I want them to stay away from me when i'm insane again, so death is the wonderful answer. The boy sat on top of the bodies and smiled grimly, " Ah, isn't this wonderful? Your back to your true self, and you can make the victims suffer by saying farewell to heaven and welcoming them to hell, while being drenched in blood and madness." I nodded, with fire in my eyes, smiling with blood on my mouth. I laughed and held up more knives to him. I was Pleading for more kills and blood. I already killed 13 people, and I will never get tired of killing and enjoying my freedom I earned after so many years of being trapped in the good.

" Soon, but...I told you before we were apart that if we meet again, you would do something for me. And you agreed if I let you have your fun first with your long last freedom..." The boy turned his head to me and tilted his head, " Remember that?" I didn't know what he was talking about. I never accepted to do anything for him before we were separated. Maybe I did, but forgot.

I got up and kept my balance, " No...what was it?" The boy made a small noise and looked away from me, " You agreed to let me take your body so I can become human again!" He laughed loudly and I stepped back, " No, i'm not finished enjoying my freedom yet! I need more time to be covered in madness and insanity! Watching those pitiful souls suffer under my wrath and be covered in death and blood!" This cannot be. I want more time. More time to enjoy my freedom. This cannot end. I would end along with it, being sent to darkness with no more freedom left on my hands. But if I don't do what the demon told me to do, he would do something dreadful to me.

2:00, death rises.

" Finally, the body I needed for 300 years! Now I can live as a human again, and I will enjoy the hell that will arise soon in this world. If I die again, I will find another body and keep repeating this process until I have enough blood on my hands."

The boy was in my body. There was no more of me. I'm trapped in the darkness.

I remember now, I was controlled by insanity just so that I could be tricked into giving my body away to a demon. I never wanted to give my body way, but I was young then. I never knew better. I was pulled away from the world I was supposed to be in and turned to the world I that was not suppose to turn to. I was helpless then and weak. I allowed a demon to take over my life so I can be stupid enough to want more freedom he gave me, to take over me someday. I was scared deeply at first, but with his guidance and comfort, I had become more and more ignorant. But, I needed power and freedom, and I had never been so alive in my entire life. Until I took the medications. I should have lived on with them, and those were a sign I was in a life that I belong to. I shouldn't have been delayed by one of the allusions the boy put out for me, and I should have took the medication on time before the boy laid his hands on the medications. Now, my life is now in the abyss, no more freedom, and no more life. And the feelings I am trapped with in the abyss are regret, sadness, helplessness. But I still have my insanity, that will still live on in my mind.

The boy had my body. Black hair with bangs, brown eyes, and a blue shirt with jeans that are now his. He was covered in blood, and he made his way outside to the quiet world, that will soon become a living hell. Death will arise, and souls will be eliminated.
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Okay! That is it! But the big paragraph under the 2:00 is the most important part of the story! It explains what exactly happened when Baonli went to open the bathroom door, and crap about his regret. Just so nobody gets confused about what was going on then.

And if you're still confused with anything, I am happy to explain anything, but I tried my best to explain the crap in the story. Feedback please, and kkots please forgive me about the disappointment in The Cattunko Brothers Part 2. That will be fixed!


Comments

Creepy as hell man! =)

Yep, but it can be creepier if I want it to be. But, this is fine right here!

The main character lacks background story, and his motivation to "take revenge" and "live" is meaningless. Words "wrath" and "vengeance" make no sense. WHAT is he taking revenge FOR? Who has ever done any harm to him to make him so bitter with life, angry and want to gain freedom?
You've missed a very important part where the boy makes a pact with the demon. You need to write it in end, but in much more detail, as a flashback, starting with words "I remember now.." or similar to those, once the main hero is sent into darkness.
The description of darkness, when the character is engulfed by demon, is too short and does not add to the atmosphere of the piece and does not describe well enough the feelings of the hero when he's captured. You need to use imagination on this one, and not just throw words like I do shadows and highlights on a 2D picture.
Need to describe the meaning of "living hell" in Part 2 of this somehow. i.e. what happened after that. Or at least describe it in this part but briefly.
I've spotted 5-6 terrible mistakes, fix them, and you misspell "supposed" with "suppose" everywhere.
Overall, the piece is very great, ESPECIALLY in the bathroom part/searching for pills/returning from work part, before and after that it feels rushed and really lacking. But the tension and atmosphere in the part that I mentioned is SPLENDID! I LUV U True horror right here. But you need to work more on how you describe stuff that happens.

Holy crap your right xD This is the best feedback I had gotten since The Cattunko Brothers! Your really good at it, and you have many points on this.

I will add the words, " I remember now" towards the end of the story, or when the boy reunited with the demon. One of them. I would also fix on how the character actually feels about the whole, being taken over by a demon shit. And, I will fix the words, vengeance, and wrath. I will bring up some other words that make sense to what feelings he expresses.

I will fix the misspelled words, suppose. I will also find the mistakes in here.

And I'm thinking i'm just about ready to write The Cattunko Brothers part 3. This story is just a warm up to see if I can pull horror off in my next part in The Cattunko Brothers.

Again, thanks for the feedback!

"He looked a a young teen," one mess up, story still good

Didn't notice that when I was finished with the story, or when I was scanning it a couple of times. Thanks for noticing!

@imaTouko-chan
It should be longer. You thought it was long because you got bored by:
1) A LOT of "enjoy my freedom" repetition and other phrases repeated over and over
2) "abnormal behavior" sounds more like a judicial term. Not to be used in literature :/
3) "madness", "freedom", "insanity", "enjoy" repetition WAY too many times, those words even lose their sense to me. The word "madness" is almost in every sentence.
4) There are many places when you stop describing actual stuff that happens and delve into philosophy: "But, I needed power and freedom, and I had never been so alive", "I am here to complete the insanity by giving you the freedom you lost", "and I am close to gain my freedom again", "But, he gave me freedom, and the madness I need to make me feel...so alive" AND IT REPEATS OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND IT MAKES NO SENSE and it's not interesting...

kkots, I thought you liked the story man! I'm still practicing with my writing skills, so don't blame me if I repeat a lot of terms and sentences, and also dragging my story away from the sense. And, your right :/

imaTouko-chan, you can say what's wrong with the story, and kkots does have a point. You probably got bored while reading the story. It's fine if you admit it.

try a minecraft death rude,you will die and los all your stuff(NOOBS)

I will. Just wait until my brain gets blown up xD